Watch Your Mouth: Power, Punishment, and Profanity

By Justine McConville

Do you remember the first time you used profanity freely in front of your parents? Without the looming threat of shame or punishment? Where was the line drawn rendering you eligible for the use of swear words? 

As a young child, I had my mouth washed out with a bar of soap -- an instance of corporal punishment in what would be considered an otherwise non-violent childhood. I had repressed this memory for a couple of decades. Speaking more about this incident with friends and colleagues of my millennial generation revealed to me how common this practice of washing out a child’s mouth with soap was (perhaps still is?),  even in households that had a strict no-spanking policy. Another punishment strategy I was reminded of again and again during this informal survey was the youth censorship for capitalists approach: the swear jar. Baby’s first shakedown. 

No matter the type of punishment applied as consequence for profane language, the same oppressive lessons of censorship, shame and non-consent are taught, not to mention the farce that fines are a valid means of emotional reconciliation. Surely most parents implement such draconian behavioral conditioning techniques as a means of protection, but from what? What is this obsession with policing kids’ language really about?

Before we delve any deeper into this topic, I want to acknowledge the reality of verbally abusive language as a tool of emotional and psychological violence. Language can be hurtful and aggressive and cause real damage. However, all of this can happen with or without the use of profanity[1]. 

Profanity is everywhere. All over meme culture, gaming culture, music, literature, and entertainment. Instead of forbidding it, perhaps we can embrace this particularly colorful lexicon and act as models for appropriate contextual use. After all, censoring profanity only adds to the allure and power of these words.

Words are simply combinations of phonemes (the smallest units of language) and thus hold no inherent meaning until we add to the mix context and social norms. The social norm that it's inappropriate for kids to use certain words in a context in which it would be appropriate for adults is where the double standard lies, swaddled in adultist power dynamic issues. Adults shaming kids for profanity is mostly about avoiding their own confused discomfort and keeping up appearances with others in that same uncomfortable boat. It’s not based in a reality of harm but in an attempt to thwart harm. Ironically, the reality of harm here is in the stress, anxiety, and trauma caused by the corporal and emotional consequences and intimidation inflicted upon kids as punishment.

Curse words are learned exactly the same way other words are learned: through natural, contextualized language acquisition. The role of the language model is to demonstrate functional and contextual use of a word; then, perhaps upon request, explain the word’s meaning and usage including the potential implications of that word in sociocultural contexts, thus supporting the learner in making the best choice for themselves for how and when to use it. This process does not revolve around shame, power, or punishment but rather around honesty, communication, and practice.

Obviously, not every situation calls for profanity. Kids need opportunities to learn how to communicate effectively across diverse cultural contexts, especially with this nuanced set of vocabulary words[2]. At the Village Free School, students exchange swear words regularly and usually it sounds a lot like the way adults talk to their friends. Sometimes, it’s to blow off some steam; as studies show[3], cursing can act as a release valve in moments of pain or frustration and restore equilibrium. Here are some samples of profane language use I caught at school:

“I just cleaned the whole goddamn kitchen by myself.”

"I’m so fucking tired.”

“Holy shit!”

“What the fuck was that?”

*no one was harmed in the uttering of these phonemes

Sometimes, a student might express concern about the language of another, making clear that it had an impact. Usually when a concern like this is raised, the problems identified revolve around two things: 1) the aggression behind the language and 2) keeping up appearances. There is so much value in interactions where kids are empowered to advocate for themselves, hold each other accountable, and have uncomfortable conversations. At VFS, this approach is valued over a punishment model because it centers consent. 

When the issue at hand is aggression rather than simply profanity, it is crucial that this distinction is made in supporting someone moving through their aggression. Scolding them for their language will only make matters worse. Most of the time, concerns around profanity are really concerns about what other people outside of our community will think of us if they hear how much we curse. At VFS, we use consent-based boundary setting to help kids understand that some people have strong reactions to profane language and that some places, like our school, are safe places to explore and practice and be free of that adultist judgement and ridicule (or at least in theory, we strive for this) but when we are at a job interview, let’s keep the holy shits! to a minimum. We can help kids to understand the consequences of harmful language and how holding yourself accountable when you cause harm is part of life’s work. We can even be honest with them in sharing that some people have a real stick up their asses about cursing so we've just got to work with it. This approach teaches kids that we respect their right to say whatever the hell they want so long as they can be held accountable for harm when it occurs. 

I really believe that most people think they’re taking better care of their kids by shaming them and punishing them for using profanity, but it’s time to unpack all of the harmful power dynamics within that belief. I don’t even remember what the word was that got my mouth washed out with soap and it certainly didn’t deter me from becoming a profanity enthusiast who made my mistakes along the way, but what I do remember is in that moment, being physically violated and fearful of my most trusted caregivers. 

Once we can let go of the idea that kids are meant only to please and delight us with their sweet innocence, the world will be a freer place for them. Children are completely autonomous beings who look to us for safety and love and nurturance and we must examine our biases and judgments around how they express themselves and in the meantime, manage our reactions. Let's not take advantage of their trust, but rather model for them that they can look to us as adults for the support they need and the respect they deserve.

Justine is the Reading Specialist at The Village Free School, Portland, Oregon’s only democratic free school practicing self-directed education. She is a founding member of The Verve Initiative.

1 Racial slurs and words historically used to oppress are excluded from my definition of profanity as it relates to this article.

2 Find out more about the linguistic analysis of everyone’s favorite four-letter word.

3 https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-do-we-swear/